I'm not the kind of person that does things a certain way because it would be easier that way, or because that's how everyone else does things. The things I do I do because I think they're right, or so as to prevent myself from having regrets. Its not the way that's easy, or that makes the most friends, but its not boring either. And every once in awhile I find it instantaneously rewarding. 

For example, Monday this week, I went out for Tapas with some friends to avoid studying. So here's the group: Paco (best buddy in Spain) Juanma (his ASSHOLE boyfriend) Mery (Italian girl) and Ernesto (cuban guy). Why is Juanma an asshole? Juanma is the type of person that thinks its perfectly okay and acceptable to take out his anger and frustration on other people (whether through insulting them or, in the case of his boyfriend, hitting them) , and takes pleasure in making other people feel worse.  Anywho, we're sitting at a table and Paco starts tickling Juanma. J takes out his lighter and burns Paco's finger. I've seen him do likewise things before to Paco, but this time, I COMPLETELY FLIP. 

Me: WHAT THE C*** DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?? You can't just do that, that's F***** UP!!!
Juanma starts waving the flaming lighter in my direction, trying to intimidate me like he likes intimidating everyone to make himself feel potent (which in my opinion is a pretty sick way to treat people you supposedly care about).  I stick my upraised middle finger straight in his face.  Twice. If it weren't for the fact that I think violence is the sickest and most putrid way to settle disputes I probably would have slapped him. 

He's obviously not used to that kind of reaction. What does he do? The turd TURNS AWAY FROM ME and starts using his "oh pity me" voice to MERY and says, "but....he was tickling me!"  

oh that totally TOTALLY was underhanded and manipulative and PISSED THE CRAP out of me and I sputtered something very ingrammatical that was meant to be "Oh, as if THAT'S a good excuse for pulling out your goddamn lighter and BURNING THE FINGER OF THE PERSON WHO LOVES YOU MOST IN THIS WORLD" but it came out "AS IF THERE'S A COMPARISON BETWEEN THE TWO!!" 

Mery tried calming me by saying, "Katalina, you have to understand these spanish." That made me twitch and I inadvertently knocked over my glass (which was luckily empty) and if I recall correctly, I think I said, "I don't want to." 

There was tension and awkwardness for a bit. I would like to think its because they knew I was right, and ashamed that it took the one who'd been in that group for the least amount of time, and even worse the one who could least speak the language, to speak up against it. 

Unfortunately here the story takes a nasty turn. Paco took up trying to smooth things over by making cheerful comments, smiling, the kind of things people do when they want to smooth things over and pretend nothing happened. I smiled back and I can tell you that was one of the sickest feelings I have ever experienced. It felt like with that smile, I erased the truth and importance of what I'd just said. In retrospect, I think I did it partly because I'm used to the "go with the flow" attitude that all the study abroad advisors say one must take when experiencing life in a different country, but the other part of me, sadly enough, did it because I didn't know what else to do. If I EVER find myself in a similar situation again in the states, I will NEVER AGAIN erase my words with a smile. 

My promises to myself keep getting harder to keep. First there was the preschool promise: to never be like those other girls who were mean and didn't let you play with them. (that was quite easy, and constantly reinforced throughout elementary school.) Then I guess the next would be: "Don't let others have a good reason to insult you." (they can have all the bad reasons they want, just as long as they're without foundation." Somewhere in High school there was: "Do not let yourself become cynical: there are good people and good things in this world too, and in being cynical you only add to the bad." Senior year of high school: "Given: there are many kinds of love, and you therefore love more people than you have grown up believing you do: action: tell those you love that you love them, no matter what kind of love it is, and even if you know they will not say they love you back." Sophmore year in college: "You can do things and later regret them, but don't take inactions that you will regret". Winter break of this year visiting France: "Never give up." and now "no erasing your words with smiles".....One of these days I'm going to have to add "stand up for yourself, too, not just others," but I think one promise is enough for today. 

hm. wow lots of information. ah well. I suppose I don't really care if someone I don't know reads this because they don't know me and I don't care about their judgement anyway. And those who know me probably already have their opinion made. And these are things I think even when its not two or three or whatever time it is in the morning.

oh right back to the title I think that even though I felt sick after smiling, Juanma seems nicer now. Its possible that he's only that way to my face, but I do think that telling him he can't just burn people when he's angry, and not backing down when he tried to intimidate me had an affect on him. Quite possible that's never happened before. And that's why I wanted to say, its nice to know that sometimes taking the not-easy route has its rewards. (Plus I've been wanting to yell at him all semester, and now that I finally did it, I can say that I've completed one of my promises--I can't regret inaction now).